a recovered narcissist

My life is transparent, I can finally say that after years of hiding a terrible secret. The secret was so shameful there were times I couldn’t even sleep. I felt so lonely and so isolated that I thought death was the only answer.

The secret …. I had no clue who the hell I was let alone why I was here. I hid behind titles, roles, and material stuff. I played what I perceived to big girl games; games that hurt people, embarrassed and alienated people, bruised people I loved and pushed myself out of my family’s lives. I was too scared to admit my secret. I spent YEARS blaming everyone for my unhappiness and for my mistakes. I spent myself into the poorhouse and took my family with me. I lived on a diet of charge cards and narcissism.

Blah, blah, blah….story after story I quickly began boring myself. I would live to see if I could top the previous story. I added more drama, more causalities, more angst and more self loathing. How many times can one person say I am sorry and still continue to be self destructive? Well, I can tell you, it was about 8 years for me. By all outward appearances, if you didn’t look too closely I was functioning. Life was “working”. I had a great job, made really good money, a husband that worshipped me and two healthy, outgoing boys. However, on the inside there was a disease that was slowly eating away at my soul the very essence of who The Creator sent me here to be. Slowly I began to grow up and realize that if I were truly going to fulfill any kind of bigger purpose something would have to give. And, with that I simply asked for God to take over. Yup, just like that. I promise you I was/am a very ordinary woman, who has no special powers rather the simple desire to be a better human being. With that thought in my mind I turned inward and started the tedious task of digging through my junk, all the junk that I used as excuses. I spent 12 years in therapy, bought every self help book known to mankind and began to live a rather self righteous life. Yep, self righteous which meant I was still blaming other people. Now I was indignant and using God’s laws as a shield. Whew, talk about being a bitch. Here I was “rehabbed, reformed” and ready to fix your ass.

And, fix it I would. If you didn’t agree with me I cut you off. If you challenged me with questions I didn’t like I said adios. You were dead to me if you didn’t fall in line with my values, my principles... umm, quite the difference huh? Well, not really… still playing grown up, still hiding and still feeling disconnected. Although I was closer to the truth, closer than I had ever been, I just needed the other shoe to drop and boy did it drop! You know that saying hitting rock bottom; well, there really is a literal rock bottom. It’s different for all of us and only we can define it for ourselves, but when we hit it that is our greatest moment as a human being. Sounds contrary to what you might know but trust me the bottom has a way all on its own to opening up our eyes.

Fast forward... I climb up from the bottom using faith, humility, patience, hope, God, family, and friends as a ladder. My climb out was arduous and filled with remorse. Remember, no one ever said it would be easy they just say it will be worth it and I can attest to that. Worth it and then some.

I have made a conscious decision to use my life as a resource for all who are drawn to me. I am an open book who is willing to journey with my clients to the deepest part of unforgiveness . I stand there and shine the light by asking questions that are too tough for you to ask yourself. I don’t allow the BS to build up. I don’t blow smoke and I certainly DO NOT allow victim mentality to linger too long. I allow it to show up and be acknowledged so that you can recognize it but it is not welcomed.

The main thing besides my turning to Spirit for guidance that saved me was my ability to laugh; laugh at myself, at my situations, at my behavior, at my mistakes. The biggest laugh of all came when I realized that ALL along I had the power to change course, chart new territories, all I had to do was have the awareness to seek different. Looking back at my life, I am amazed that the journey that seemed like an eternity to live through was merely a bleep in the entire scheme of things. I very consciously choose to savor every single experience and to not label it. I know in my heart there is no right or wrong, good or bad there just is. I have let all expectations go and I choose to use intuition and free will to guide me. So, far I am having a blast. Every day is a new joy and every experience is filled with love. Not so bad for a recovered narcissist huh?