Why the rough surf and not the gentle swells?

So many swords, I am definitely up in my head, my thoughts creating this hole I find myself in. When I look at the 8 of Swords, I see someone who it there out of her own choosing, self imposed bondage, a victim. Wow, I must be mired in some kind of 'victim mentality.' I pride myself on being on top of that kind of thing, but I have noticed thoughts of self pity, and misery running through my head. The image in the 9 of Swords is another kind of bondage, bondage to thoughts. I am seeing also a very stubborn face. Am I being stubborn in holding onto this way of thinking? Me thinks so :)

The 3 of Swords, I know why that is there, there are many things that are making my heart feel it is being pierced. I feel it is an illusion that something outside of me is "making" me feel anything. I know this in my head, yes, my head. I am there right now. Being trapped there and overthinking everything is like Hell. 

This morning, I thought the emotional storm was over, at least, I thought there was a reprieve. When I drew this spread, I figured it was an impression of the 'lately', which has been a bit tempestuous. If I drew these cards for someone else, depending on the person, I would have to be diplomatic in forming my words, but it is me... I am the hardest subject to read for because of being so close to things, and having attachments. I kind of shrugged it off to continue on with my day, figuring that I'd revisit them later.

This evening, I find myself immersed in negative thinking, even when I know it to be harmful. 

I no longer want to run from these swords. I have been wondering why I have not drawn The Tower this year with all of it's events. The Tower pointing more to the traumatic and sudden change. Not one Tower, but many Swords. Perhaps that is because this whole suffering thing is in my head, and all it will take is a clear decision not to suffer any more, to go along with the changes which if I don't resist them are like gently swells. I have instead been dwelling in the rough surf, and it has been my own placement of myself.